Get all 363 Wheelchair Full of Old Men releases available on Bandcamp and save 90%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Dog Of The Hair - Dog Of The Hair, Food Fortunata - My Mind is an Awful Place, Jayden Mont / Food Fortunata - split, Flesh For Frank - Delerium Tremens, Dunce - Songs of Hate and Repulsion, 100 Story Building Drowning in Cum - Oi! Freak / Wheelchair Full of Old Men, Forms of Insanity - Forms of Insanity/Cesspools of Life, ARMLESS AND ANGRY - Rejected, and 355 more.
1. |
Presidents' Day Souffle
02:28
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I look forward to presidents’ day all year
Please don’t ruin it
I want to enjoy the fireworks
But you scheduled a dentist appointment
Some days, we need to relax
And presidents’ day is that day
It’s a day to spend with family and friends
The bible declares that presidents’ day is sacred
And you should not work or eat healthy foods that day
Have a piece of my presidents’ day souffle
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2. |
Lawn Darts with Jesus
02:41
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You should not pay for meat
You should make your own
You can make it out of a sombrero or a lawn mower
Calculators are on sale this week only for eight dollars plus tax
My eyes want to cry But it’s too hard sometimes
So then I floss my teeth and read a magazine instead
Oscar the grouch grew up in des Moines, Iowa
Where he dealt drugs to schoolkids
God don’t give a crap about your stupid little problems
He’s too busy playing lawn darts with jesus
Take two aspirin and build a bird cage
That is big enough for this can of sprite
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3. |
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I hope you’ll never forget how many hamburgers I have eaten since the last time I saw you
I want you to take this secret to the grave with you
The number is zero
An angel threw up right inside my hat
We all gave each other high fives when the team scored the winning goal
When I was a beekeeper, I learned to play violin
One song I knew sounded just like I didn’t know how to pay violin at all
You’re too greedy for your own good
No one needs more than one pair of socks
If you don’t believe me, I’ll smash my kaleidoscope collection over your head
Here comes the sesquicentennial of some sort of bullshit I can’t remember
It’s a good thing I have an egg to sipe on this discarded diaper I found
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4. |
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My vomit is hard to distinguish from an airplane
Or so it would seem
But you don’t know what my cat can do
A string was attached to a xylophone
A child pulled it across the floor for a while until the ceiling caved in and crushed them both
There used to be a state in this country called qbert’s revenge, but they turned it into a video game and renamed the state Penelope
Get a pack of smokes and meet me at the fair
I’ll be the guy carrying a backpack full of sauerkraut
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5. |
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How can you prove spaghetti exists?
Answer me soon or I will get pissed
That stuff there is not some noodles
It was all extracted from some dumb poodle
Pasta is a work of fiction
A semolina contradiction
Boiled in water crucifixion
Flour with no water mixed in
Lasagna cannot be discovered by Ferdinand Magellan
I ain’t buying what he’s sellin’
Everywhere I look, I know it’s wrong
Sauce and cheese on big fat noodles don’t belong
What do I care about rotini?
If you believe it’s real, you just look like a weenie
And please don’t bring up tortellini
No such thing has ever been seen-y
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6. |
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7. |
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I was reading a book about satan but I fell asleep
My dog pissed on a crucifix
That joke was sort of cheap
I the second act of Texas chainsaw massacre
Leatherface made a hard-boiled egg
I love to whittle figurines, Especially a likeness of a goat
When I built this house I live in, I forgot to build a moat
Someone gave me a twinkie And I tossed it at the pope
Some kid tried to kiss his hand, But he told the kid to piss up a rope
Science is mysterious, It tastes like lemonade
I want to buy a comic book, But I never got paid
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8. |
I Am Super Failure Man
02:29
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I am super failure man
Behold my special powers of always making the wrong decision and doing the opposite of what’s in my best interest
I hit my lowest point faster than a speeding bullet
I am super failure man
Ready to make successful people look even better than they are
I am super failure man
I give the world something it sorely needs – a person to look down upon, so that others might feel better about themselves
Looking like a loser faster than a speeding bullet
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9. |
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Which elderly white man do you want for president?
Do you want the insane one? Or the senile one?
Do you like the catholic? Or the protestant?
Do you want the millionaire? Or the billionaire?
Do you prefer the frail one? Or the fat one?
You really have some excellent choices to make
Which elderly white man do you want for president?
Do you prefer putin’s bitch? Or Netanyahu’s?
Do you like the one that stole government documents?
Or the other one that stole government documents?
You really need to take your pick
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